Adult Separation Anxiety

 

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Anxiety is a very layman word for most of us and we use it to replace words like tension, uneasiness, inconvenience etc. I do not discredit the intensity of emotions experienced in any of the latter states, but anxiety is much and beyond all of these states taken together. But today I would like to talk about a very specific kind of anxiety: Separation Anxiety or Separation Anxiety Disorder (SAD). A lot of us have heard it majorly in the context of children but a lot of it sometimes gets carried to our adulthood. Adults are equally susceptible to Separation Anxiety and unlike the majority of childhood cases of Separation Anxiety, it may be concerning anyone in an adult’s life. This piece is not to talk about the clinical grounds of Separation Anxiety but more of what churns in the heart of someone with the same. 

As a child sometimes we don’t find the right words to articulate what goes inside us, but as an adult too, sometimes describing what one’s mind and heart are experiencing gets difficult to process and describe. To a lot of adults, Separation Anxiety is something like this. Let alone process what one is feeling, the person is at times unable to even identify this unexplained turmoil of emotion and thoughts concerning that “someone” in their life. That “someone” could be a partner, friend or anyone close, who has somehow given the child in us the vent to be who we always wanted to be. This “someone” has given the inner child hope to relive all the emotions, experiences, feelings and passions we were restricted from. Unconsciously, we don’t realise when our hearts start developing an unexplained fear of losing them. The constant preoccupation of our thoughts with worrying about that person, inability to imagine a future without them, feeling emotionally upturned every time we get physically, emotionally or mentally distanced from them, and consistent fear that we might lose them or something may happen to them, a need to know that they are fine and a constant need of reassurance that they are not going anywhere from our lives. This begins small but with the passage of time, all the aforesaid feelings and thoughts become even more intense. Seldom do we realise that we have reached the stage of Separation Anxiety. 

Majorly, we mistake it for excessive love, affection and care and so does the other person. But any sense of psychological and emotional preoccupation that starts interfering with one’s normal functioning, mental health and happiness is worth reconsidering. For the other person, even if we communicate how we are feeling, it feels so chirpy or romantic or an extreme sense of connectedness from our side. But what the person with Separation Anxiety has to go through only haunts their minds. Nothing of this is easy and also not anyone’s fault. It’s a way for our mind to find a place of security or someone to hold on to. And any sense of absence of this person from our lives leaves us anxious. Going through Separation Anxiety alone, with no one to understand makes it even worse. When physical wounds don’t heal overnight how do we expect the emotional scars of a person and their profound attachment to go so soon? Separation Anxiety with all the clinical help from a qualified practitioner needs an acknowledging, non-judgemental and safe space to settle. Emotional healing or security takes time to permeate one’s heart. 

This is for anyone, especially an adult going through Separation Anxiety- You are not alone or wrong. You will get to a secure mental space in due time with the required medical help and care. And anyone who is that “someone” and knows that their close one is experiencing this, be patient and accepting. You could do a few things: 

• The other person is in a very vulnerable spot and the slightest effort from your end will help them get to a better place. Nobody can promise to be their 100% for anyone, but doing the smallest of things that can comfort them, like letting them know you are fine or just leaving a small text that makes them feel less insecure when you are away, can do wonders. 
• You could leave a small voice note, maybe just a minute long if you are away. Listening to your voice may not settle all the emotional upheaval but will definitely make them feel cared for. 
• Look out for them as much as possible and whenever you are around, let them know how much they mean to you. 
• Do not over promise them, if you can’t be available when you are away. To settle anxiety mind tries to hold on to the expectation of a call or any form of connection while you are away, but if that goes unfulfilled it gets even more tolling and anxious for them. Being clear does less damage and ensures less uncertainty. 
• You shouldn’t put yourself in a tough spot and fulfil unrealistic expectations, which worsens their Separation Anxiety but small mindful gestures go a long way. 

All of this is no substitute for professional help but it will help them to not spin out of place, emotionally or mentally when you are away. For someone we love, all of this could be a starter towards accepting and healing from their anxieties.